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Dear Dogs & Cats
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print inthe middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
theslightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping,
they can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
years, canine and
feline attendance is not mandatory nor necessary.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
animals' butts. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on
our front door...
>
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if
they get pregnant,
you can sell the results.
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